Anxiety

I Just Want It To Be 2011

I am not ready for 2017. I don’t think I was even ready for 2016. I am having all these thoughts on my brain and I can’t even sleep. I am exhausted but I have too many thoughts. Here we go:

1. I am in a wee bit of debt.

2. I want to get out of debt, but I am afraid to get out of debt because my mother will ask me for money, and if I say no she threatens to throw me out.

3. My mother is a fucking leach like doesn’t respect me at all.

4. I signed another lease for a car and now I feel trapped here for three years.

5. I have to move out in three years.

6. Living here is so damn depressing I feel trapped.

7. I am 23 years old yet I am treated like I am 12.

8. I work and live with my mother. Need I fucking say more?

9. In 2011 I was 18, if I could go back in time and tell my former self to just stay in Orlando.

10. I am not looking forward to 2017 all I see is more drama.

11. I think my mother just wants to keep her hooks in me forever and wants me to rot with her.

12. Writing all this makes me depressed and it makes me think I have nothing to look forward to in the future.

13. I can’t talk to my mother about my anxiety becauseΒ she thinks its “fake” I should be happy all the time and have no emotion.

14. My great grandfather is on his deathbed, he’s 92.

15. My great uncle had a stroke and his entire left side is paralyzed.

16. It’s like 5 am and I should be sleeping.


I hope everyone has a happy new year. My anxiety is horrible especially when I have no sleep. How are you guys doing today?

Advertisements

17 thoughts on “I Just Want It To Be 2011

  1. It sounds like you could use some positivity Kori. I understand that your mum is a nutcase but don’t think that you’re going to be stuck with her forever. I’m sure that you’ll have enough money and strength to move out someday. Just be patient. Don’t look at it as a life wasted or happiness foregone — you can create your own contentment and peace right where you are. (But, seriously, your mum does sound crazy. I feel really bad for you that you have to put up with her so much.) I’m actually not doing so well myself 😞 I had a bit of a fallout couple days ago and I’m just working through that.

    Like

    • Yeah I was off my routine yesterday, I was up till 5:30 am, my medication wore off and I was in bed just feeling sorry for myself. Every time I want to do something for myself my mother wants to be involved some how and or throw my sister in the mix. She has her car in my name and she wants to put my sister on my car insurance when she starts driving. I truly feel sometimes that she will have me in her evil claws until I’m old and no use for her to suck dry anymore.

      Like

      • No way Kori. No way. You’ll get away from her one day. Try to stay out of debt so you can save up enough money to leave, but don’t start telling yourself that you’ll be stuck with her forever. If you don’t want to live with her your whole life, that’s all the motivation you need to change things. πŸ™‚ I’m bad at taking medication too. That’s why I’m glad I don’t have any super important medications to take. Otherwise I’d be screwed. Can you put reminders on your phone?

        Like

      • I take one pill of lexapro everyday at 9:30 am and by like 8 pm -9 pm I feel foggy but by that time I’m normally in bed getting ready to sleep. But last night I didn’t sleep till 5:30 am, I was just in bed thinking of all my troubles and my brain was all wonky like my medication was slowly wearing off if that makes sense lol

        Like

      • Ah no I see. I hate how our brain likes to *repeatedly* overthink everything when we’re trying to sleep and when we’re awake it’s just like “hello I am banana.” I actually wrote an entire blog post dedicated to my late night thoughts. πŸ˜‚ I also dislike it when medication wears off, it’s like “I stuck hundreds of chemicals and who-knows-what-else in my body, and you’re telling me I have to take more?” πŸ˜‚

        Like

      • Exactly!!! When I can’t stand it, I like to lay in bed and drift off while watching Bobs burgers! Not worrying about things, the medication wearing off too isn’t fun either 😩 it’s like why World why?!?

        Like

      • Well it wasn’t a fallout with a person, I just managed to venture into something I wasn’t ready for and now I feel like I’m in fight-or-flight mode or something. And I had stress nightmares again which isn’t really helping. But I’m surviving. πŸ™‚

        Like

  2. 17. The future is not written in stone, even if it feels like that. I am sure you’ll find a way to change life around. My life is no peaches either (although you’ve got me beaten on the family front), but even taking little steps to change things around can help. I hope you’ll be able to shush your anxieties as best you can and enjoy the new year against all odds. Happy new year, Kori!

    Don’t forget: if things are terrible then they can only get better.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s