Depression
noun | de·pres·sion | \di-ˈpre-shən, dē-\

  • A state of feeling sad
  • A serious medical condition in which a person feels very sad, hopeless, and unimportant and often is unable to live in a normal wayshutterstock_106662809

Anxiety
noun | anx·i·ety | \aŋ-ˈzī-ə-tē\

  • Fear or nervousness about what might happen
  • A feeling of wanting to do something very much

Now that I have the definitions out of the way for those who may not know the meaning time for me to dive into my thoughts. I’ve never been evaluated by a shrink before, however I always thought I’ve suffered from some form of Anxiety. I do get these “I’m in a rut” feelings but I don’t know if it warrants for me to label it as Depression.

How I feel at times & during certain situations that makes me think I have Anxiety:

  • Heart palpitations – SERIOUSLY!! When I am in a large crowd and all eyes are on me, when I am getting yelled at by my mom for no reason what so ever or when a stressful situation is thrown my way I feel as if my heart is going to burst out of my chest and onto the floor.
  • Dizziness – My brain feels like it is doing somersaults, I always think that I am about to faint & if I don’t sit down the room feels as if it is spinning.
  • Problems sleeping – I always go over potential scenarios in my brain as I lay in bed. The scenarios always end in me either embarrassed or humiliated in some way. The following day due to the lack of sleep I am always on edge.
  • Feelings of panics, fear & uneasiness – This is self explanatory. I feel this was 80% of the time.

How I feel at times & during certain situations that makes me think I have Depression:

  • Hopelessness – About three times a month I go through this, “Why am I even trying” or “In a rut” type of feeling. I don’t know where it comes from, but I just feel as if what I am doing isn’t good enough and I should just give up. When I feel that way I think that there is no reason for me to be working so hard and I should stop trying.
  • Lack of energy – I work, go to school and then when I get home all I want to do is lay down. I could wake up after sleeping for 8 hours and STILL be tired. I have no motivation to go out, work out or anything the requires moving.
  • Irritability – At times any little thing can agitate me.

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When I went to my doctor back in 2012 and told him I had Anxiety he prescribed me Lexapro. It helped me a lot I felt, I didn’t feel so negative all the time and when ever my mother was in her moods it did not phase me one bit. After 3 months of being on it, I stopped taking it.

I would like to be on it again but fear the backlash that would come with admitting to have some sort of mental illness. In my mind society looks down on people who have any type of mental illness.

So maybe I don’t have depression, but I know for certain I have anxiety. I know that everyone gets sad once in awhile but I feel as if I get sad way too often to be considered normal sadness. I’ve never had suicidal thoughts or anything but do you have to be suicidal to have depression? Like I said, I don’t know. Maybe its all in my head.

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